Guardian angel?

My mother in law called yesterday...
She went over to Mt. View to take care of Brooke's flowers, took the old flowers out of the pot to replace them, and discovered a little green friend :) In the bottom of the basket was a tiny, bright green, tree frog...still alive, but stuck under the flowers. She said she giggled at this...she thought this could only happen to us :) I have had a frog collection for many years and so everyone associates me with them. It was only appropriate that, for a few days, Brooke would have her own little guardian angel frog :)

I met a few new people this week while working on our church play...I took Summer with me today. As usual, new people ask me about her. Talking about Summer generally leads to talking about Brooke too. One of the main characters in the play told me he was a twin...one of 3 sets his mother had...2 sets survived, one didn't. He also had a set of twins that he lost. I told him that I understood it might get easier with time....he said, "no, it doesn't...you always carry the loss with you. But, we have a unique opportunity as members of the LDS church...we believe in eternal families". Brooke, and all the other lost children, will be reunited with their families and be together forever. Than he smiled and said, "that means we have to live worthy enough to keep this opportunity"...they can make us be better people...so we can make sure we end up with them again :)

I have talked about this with several other people, but for some reason, it meant a lot more coming from someone like him :) It's always nice to have a fresh perspective after a while...

A year ago today...

This beautiful memorial, made with the flowers from Brooke's service, sits on the speaker in my family room. It was a gift from many of my good friends.

The inscription reads "Brooke Ashley Cameron~ We will miss your shining spirit"

The basket of flowers from my mother-in-law and bunch of flowers from my mom and dad

at Mt. View funeral home in Tacoma, where Brooke is buried

A view of the grounds at Mountain View...we have had very dry, hot weather lately, so the usually lush, green grass is a little drier these days...still a beautiful place.

I can't believe how fast time has gone by. Today marked the one year anniversary of Brooke's passing. I thought I was doing okay, and maybe I was, but in the middle of all the chaos my house is in a constant state of, something changed.

We had decided that we would go visit Mountain View Cemetery today as a family then spend some time together. As usual, our house was in an uproar...kids fighting (didn't help that we just got back from a 5 day trip with more fun than you can shake a stick at!), kids screaming, music playing. In the middle of it all, I sat down just as the song on my husbands 1,000 plus playlist changed. I knew right away what we were about to hear..."All love can be" sung by Charlotte Church (from the soundtrack "A Beautiful Mind"). This happens to be the song my husband used when he made a video of some of our favorite Brooke photos. Of course, I can't even last through the intro without my eyes welling up with tears...today was no exception. We sat quietly sobbing through the song as my 3 older kids were clueless, running around, still yelling. After the song was done playing, Tom looked at me and said "appropriate don't you think?" What are the chances that particular song would just happen to play at that particular moment? Of course, the tone of my day instantly switched...music can definitely bring back feelings and memories quite vividly.

On a side note, I have finally figured out how to add music to my blogs...this version of "Somewhere over the Rainbow" is one that is also a real tear jerker. While I was pregnant, I followed a few stories told by other families that had gone through TTTS. Many of them made memorial videos for their Angel baby and survivor...almost every single video was put to this music. Of course, not knowing what outcome we were to face, and still waiting for my babies to progress, I was very emotional. Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of everything we (and the other families) experienced throughout the entire process. In fact, during the first days Summer was home with us, I was at Fred Meyer and the song came on. Needless to say, I had to try and crawl under the clothes racks to keep from completely losing it. After the song was over and I had composed myself, I wandered to another part of the store. I just happened to run into Summer's home care nurse. We chuckled about me trying to hide in the racks...this is something we always tell our kids NOT to do :)....nice that people are put out there for us to run into at the right times! I felt it was only fitting that I include the song on Brooke's blog....

I finished brushing hair, changing kids, etc. and headed for the shower. Like a lot of people I know, the shower is about the only place I have during the day that is quiet for a few minutes...and with quiet comes thinking. As the song played over and over in my head, I remembered the short, but sweet moments we spent with our tiny daughter. I remember the first time I saw her at 3 days old...how fragile she was, but we still had hope. I remember seeing the pain and anguish on my husband's face as I got off the elevator to meet him...then the docs told us there was nothing more they could do. I remember how it felt the first time I held her...how good it felt. I remember the way she cuddled right up to my chest and her body was calmed. I remember the long walk we took together as a family downstairs at Children's to the chapel to say goodbye. I remember holding her as she took her last breath, then smiled that sleepy newborn smile at me and was gone. I remember the even longer walk back to her room to say our final goodbyes.

I got out of the shower, dried my eyes, and headed for the family room. The kids were putting on their shoes and my husband called us all in to sit. We watched the 2 photo videos and all cried. Morgan was sitting on my lap and started crying too...because Andrew and Tom were. Anytime she sees pictures of Brooke, she thinks it is Summer. I explained to her that Brooke was also her little sister. As she saw the pictures of me holding Brooke, Morgan commented on how Brooke needed "my mom" too. Morgan is still very in tune with the spirit...she knew I was pregnant with the twins before I did :) Summer was sitting on little Tom's lap making all kinds of baby noises...it made us all giggle a little :)

After the videos were over, we headed for the van. Traffic was horrible and the trip that normally takes us 45 minutes, took us twice that long. With all the things we have had going on this past year, we still haven't ordered a gravestone for Brooke. My mother-in-law (who live just minutes away) has been keeping watch over her. Each new season she has brought over a potted plant to keep her company....she enjoys taking walks there...it is so beautiful. I am so glad she has taken care of this for us.

We left some flowers there for her, then headed for Point Defiance Zoo. It was a really nice way to spend the rest of the afternoon...enjoying each other's company. After the zoo, we went out to dinner...life was back to normal...Morgan ran amok in the restaurant and I changed diapers a few more times.

I miss my little Brooke and am so grateful we still have Summer...she is such a comfort to us. After the older kids were all tucked in, I layed on the floor, talked, and played with Summer. As usual, she grinned from ear to ear and giggled with glee. I am so thankful Heavenly Father has blessed our family with such special little spirits...it will be a wonderful reunion when we can all be together again.

Happy Birthday Brooke

Today was Summer and Brooke's birthday. I can't believe it has already been a year since my sweet babies made their early appearance in our lives! We wish Brooke could have been here to celebrate with us, but she is always in our thoughts :) We hugged and kissed Summer twice as much today, just for her :)

Memorial Day

We are about to come up on a lot of firsts....today is the first Memorial Day since Brooke passed away. It is hard to believe so much time has passed already. Brooke is missed on a daily basis...and thought of too. I watch Summer grow and know that if Brooke were here, this is what she would have looked like. Though this is a small comfort, I still miss the opportunity I would have had to get to know Brooke as a person. In the short days Brooke was with us, we ALL learned a lot about ourselves. I remember the first time I held her...it felt so right. I am thankful we were given this beautiful little spirit and can't wait to see her again. We all miss her and love her so much!

Brooke's Blessing

Brooke's dress, pillow, and bonnet

Just like Summer, Brooke was also blessed by her Daddy. This is a special ordinance performed for babies in the LDS church giving them their name and blessing them with inspired words to live their life by. We were fortunate enough to have the time with Brooke to be able to give her this gift...she was blessed the morning of the day she passed away.

It is usual that a baby's blessing will include thoughts and inspiration about their future..how they will grow, what work they might do while here on this earth, if they will marry and have kids.... Brooke's was a unique experience. We knew, though hard to accept, that she was leaving this life to go to the next. Though her life was just 10 days, she had such a strong influence on so many of us, we feel she is still with us. She is a very strong spirit and we know she is doing the Lord's work both here and in heaven.

Daddy and Brooke...she is wearing a dress, and wrapped in the afghan, given to her by the NICU

Even though she wasn't able to wear her matching dress that day Grandma Norris bought for her and Summer, my mom was able to alter it to her tiny size...she is wearing it now.

Brooke's tiny head was about the size of a tennis ball

Grandma Norris

I know each milestone in Summer's life will have the underlying reflection of our sweet Brooke....this is a blessing. Brooke is a constant reminder for us to be better, live life to it's fullest, and love more. I am so thankful she was here with us...even for such a short time.

Here is Brooke on 7-24-08...she opened her eyes for us :)

Saying goodbye 7-24-08

Soulumination

July 24, 2008

I have struggled through the last 8 months with ups and downs (yes, it has been that long already since the twins were born!). I feel like our life is one mad dash after another. Getting kids off to school, entertaining a busy 3 year old, and taking care of our sweet Summer. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Brooke. We have the very unique opportunity of raising her identical twin. This is both joyful and heartbreaking at times. Sometimes I look at Summer and feel so grateful...other times, I sit and hold her and cry. The heartache a mother feels for the loss of her child is sometimes unbearable.

The day we were preparing to say goodbye to Brooke, a kind social worker at Children's Hospital asked if we wished to have photographs taken of her. I love photography and was so happy that someone would offer to do this for us. I had no idea the impact this could have on us...In just a short time, a very generous woman named Lynette, from a non-profit organization called Soulumination (http://soulumination.org/home.html), arrived in Brooke's room. She captured the moments we held Brooke for the first time...and the last. On a day full of such heartache and joy, we were able to capture those moments and look back on them forever.

The first couple of days home after Brooke's death were very difficult. We were preparing for her service and mourning our loss. Just a few days later, a large package arrived. I opened it not knowing the contents. It was a package full of our memories. Inside were over 90 photos of Brooke, Brooke with the grandparents, Brooke with mom and dad, Brooke with her big brothers. I couldn't believe there was such an organization that would do this. They provided us with a CD full of pictures, some enlarged and matted in a beautiful hard cover, some smaller trifolds with pictures selected to represent each side of our families, and small wallet size pictures laminated and placed in a leather pouch. A few weeks later, an enlarged framed family photo and a charm bracelet arrived.

I have enjoyed looking at these photos so many times and can recall the feelings of love we have for Brooke. Lynette captured such precious emotions...I am grateful for her, and the many kind people we have had the privilege of coming in contact with through all we have gone through. I feel this is a long time coming, but would be ungrateful not to thank those who have provided such wonderful service to us....Thanks to all of you :)

Grandparents, Tom and Julia Cameron

Grandparents, Ron and Jackie Norris

Brooke with mommy and grandma

Little Tom kept his eye on the monitors...Brooke was showing signs of comfort while we held her

Mommy and Daddy with Brooke

Brooke's tiny feet

Tom fell in love with this little girl

Grandma Julie

Little Tom

Andrew

Mom, little Tom and Brooke

Mom, Andrew and Brooke

Brooke's tiny hands

Mommy and Daddy and Brooke

Mommy cuddles...I will cherish these forever

Brooke Ashley's blog

Brooke 7/24/08 first time cuddles with mom, dad and the boys

I am starting this blog for my sweet little Brooke. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I have many photos and special memories that I would like to post, so I felt it was a good idea to have it all in one place. She is a special spirit and we miss her greatly...